85-90%…85-90%…
85-90%…
That’s my projected total recovery rate – meaning my cancer goes away with chemo and never comes back. I sometimes repeat those numbers to myself, like some sort of lucky mantra.
As far as cancer news goes, that is very, very good. And I am very, very thankful. But somewhere in the back of my mind lingers two quiet questions: “Who is in the other 15-10%?” and “Could I be in that group?” But I choose not to let myself dwell on these questions for long. They are too unsettling.
Throughout this entire ordeal, I can honestly say there have been very few times of fear or anxiety for me. What fear and anxiety I have felt has been related in some way to this 10-15% group. So I deal with it by not thinking about it. I just assume I’m going to be in the 85-90%.
I need your help again. Please put on your theological thinking caps to ponder this question – Is it a sin to be afraid? It seems a normal and natural reaction in a situation like this. But is normal and natural the same as being OK and right? Is it a sign of weakness, of failing to trust God?
This is important. Because it is within the realm of possibility that God’s plan for my situation is to allow me to be in the 10-15%. I need to take this possibility into some consideration. If you have followed my posts, you know I don’t worry about myself, but I worry a lot about what would happen to my family – my sons in particular. I always know in my head that God loves them more than I do and will take care of them. I just don’t always feel it in my heart.
So help me. (This is my plea for reader participation.) What do I do with the fear and anxiety that will come if I consider being in the 10-15%? Ignore it? Deny it? Accept it as normal and natural? Work though it? (If so, how?)
Whoa. I just realized how heavy my past few posts have been. I’ll try to lighten it up a bit soon by writing about poop or something.
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15 comments:
I certainly do not think it is a sin to be afraid. Being brave is not about never having fear; it's about admitting you have fear and then doing what you're afraid of anyway. And this is where Faith comes in. It's better to admit that you're scared and that you NEED God then it is to pretend that you are not afraid. We need God for so many things -- helping us to face our fears is just one of them. It is more Faithful to be afraid but trusting in God to see you through the fear.
In other words, I have been enjoying your posts and look forward to the one about poop. You are in my prayers.
Well Aaron - at your request - I am going to let you know that this will be a serious reply (in the most part at least - I AM STILL ME!!!)
You asked for a theological thinking cap and regretfully, I am not able to provide you with that. Also regretfully, all I can provide you is what I consider as a philosophical fart... A "Bretism" - you know... from all those "Bretists" out there.
I think fear is one of the healthiest emotions we have. It is pure, honest and vulnerable. I think that fear may even provoke "dependence". If Parker had a fear of water, would he jump into a pool? NO! But if you were there asking him to trust you, he would jump into your arms in the pool. Does he still have fear when he jumps? YES! Does he also have faith! MORE THAN YOU KNOW! We have no real control over fear, we only have the ability to not let the fear control us. Maybe that is where the sin comes in... Maybe letting it "inter-fear" is your bigger problem. Tell me with 100% fact that Moses, David, Paul, Abraham all had no fear!
Now the paradox that strikes me is... "Did Jesus have fear?". I mean, he is where we should mirror our lives. That can be debated and I hope that it will be. I look forward to reading the replied to this blog to find out what some actual intelligent thoughts are on that topic.
P.S. Even though it is gushy... don't worry about it... "Gushy" is one of the properties of "poop"
Since you're the one with the degrees (which by the way you still owe me for...oh wait...you gave me 3 grandsons...we're even) you will have far more depth of understanding than I do about fear. My thoughts are these: Ignore it? YES; Deny it? YES; Accept it? YES. And, by doing so (along with other responses to it like laughing, crying, writing, praying and sharing about it)you will be, and already are, working through it. And, in your working through it, the Holy Spirit has worked in the lives of many (mine included) to diminish the fears within our circumstances. I think there is such a thing as a 'healty fear' and you have it. Embrace it and let God do with it as he will.
I love what God is doing in your life. I love how you bless others. I love you. dad
I have appreciated your comments and thoughts very much. Here's one hang up I have.... Every command regarding fear/anxiety I can think of in Scripture is to NOT TO. We don't get (I don't think) a command like we do anger - in your anger do not sin. Or in your fear do not sin. We are told clearly over and over again, do not fear.
I think. But I'm just a psychology guy.
Here's a quote from C.H. Spurgeon that might make for some more interesting discussion....
Permit me to say there is nothing in the Bible to make any man fear who puts his trust in Jesus. Nothing in the Bible, did I say? There is nothing in heaven, nothing on earth, nothing in hell, that need make you fear who trust in Jesus. Fear not ye." The past you need not fear, it is forgiven you; the present you need not fear, it is provided for; the future also is secured by the living power of Jesus. "Because I live" saith he, "ye shall live also." Fear! Why that were comely and seemly when Christ was dead, but now that he lives there remains no space for it ? Do you fear your sins ? They are all gone, for Christ had not risen if he had not put them all away. What is it you fear? If an angel bids you " Fear not," why will you fear ? If every wound of the risen Saviour, and every act of your reigning Lord consoles you, why are you still dismayed? To be doubting, and fearing, and trembling, now that Jesus has risen, is an inconsistent thing in any believer. Jesus is able to succour you in all your temptations; seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for you, he is able to save you to the uttermost: therefore, do not fear.
Could there be a definition or an understanding of the word 'fear' that we misappropriate? I'm not sure. But I'm latching onto this one: "A painful emotion or passion excited by the expectation of evil, or the apprehension of impending danger". Based on your life and your posts, I don't believe for a second that you are there.
If, however, you were to say: I am experiencing "a painful emotion or passion excited by"...an abundance of toughts that incompass every uncomfortable, gut wrenching, heartfelt, saddening 'what if' scenario...then I'd say you might be there. And in being there (square in the middle of a painful emotion that doesn't fit the definiton), you can accept it as normal and natural and work through it.
I think. But I'm just a father guy.
dad
OK, I'll be the bad guy.
Is fear sin?
YES!
Stay with me people.
What is sin? Missing the mark. Anything short of perfection. If you are not perfect and holy as God is perfect and holy you have sinned. God does not fear so if you have fear you have sinned.
But get over worrying about it being a sin. Lots of things are sin. Christ died for all of those sins including fear.
What do we do with our sins? Do we sin more so grace may increase? God Forbid! (I think I read that somewhere.) No, we try not to sin.
So go ahead. Try not to be afraid. If I were in your shoes Aaron and someone told me I had a 10-15% of not recovering I'd be freaking out. But I'd also try to remember that I serve a God who is in control and there is only so much I can do about it.
I'd be terribly concerned about my family and would do all the planning I could to take care of them.
Sometimes i would feel great confidence that everything would be fine and others I would be a crumbling mess of fear, guilt, rage and doubt.
But I would just keep getting up every morning, saying my prayers, loving on my family, and waiting on God.
Because in the end, it aint our call.
We're praying for you.
When my children were small and a storm would come blowing up in the middle of the night they always came and jumped in the bed with me and my husband. We started a tradition during those times when they were so afraid and we, as parents, couldn't show fear because of the children...there's a song we would sing as we were holding hands..."Be not dismayed what-e'er be-tide. God will take care of you; Beneath His wings of love abide, God will take care of you. Thro' days of toil when heart doth fail, God will take care of you; When dangers fierce your path assail, God will take care of you. God will take care of you, Thro' every day, o'er all the way; He will take care of you, God will take care of you." It's amazing what those words can mean in the middle of the night when satan does his best to attack us and our loved ones with fear. We still sing it at our house. You're welcome to sing it anytime you need to...after all God will take care of you!
Christi
Aaron-I truly love your blog and the great responses from your friends & family! I think all these other responses are great as well as accurate. I'll throw a new verse out there-"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 Does that mean if we love God perfectly we will fear nothing? I think so.
Aaron--Your deep love for God is very evident and so encouraging to me and many others. I challenge you to CONTINUE growing in your love for Him.
I Rejoice in your good news! I would take those odds to Vegas anyday! Since you asked for audience participation here it is (not that you had to ask I like to volunteer it)
Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."
2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
Good discussion on this one so far! I think that the above verses show us that Fear (at least the anxiety, emotion, and overly concerned part) is not from God. So then where does it come from? Is it our own concoction, or from the devil? HMMMM.
Is that to say that fear does not exist? NO WAY! Is that to say that for a "regenerate" person it is not a natural response? I think so.
What has God given us to combat Fear? 1. A spirit of Sonship. Like when the kids get scared at a storm. To whom do they run? ABBA, Father, Daddy, because they know that HE can deal with it for them and protect them. 2. Power. Power over eartly things like fear. Power to turn our thoughts to whatever is pure, noble etc. 3. Love. Love for him, other people, our family, anyone we come into contact with. When we operate out of love (Godly love) there is no room for fear. See the above post quoting 1 John 4:18. 4. A sound mind/self-discipline. A sound mind knows that most of what we worry about never happens anyways, and self-discipline is part of having a sound mind. If we have this we can turn our thoughts away from fear, and focus on the one who is in control.
While fear is not from God, when handled appropriately it can be used as a compass of sorts, pointing us to something worthy of our focus. Should you deny fear? NO then you would cease being transparent, and become phony or even hypocritical. Ignore it? No, deal with it right when it rears its ugly head. Address it for what it is, something not from God, and shift your focus back to where it should be. Accept it as normal and natural? Yes and NO. Yes, we are human and do have the ability to operate out of our old nature. Accept that fact. No, do not accept it as normal for a person who can address the very God of the universe on a personal level. Work thru it? ABSOLUTELY. Life is a process, we have to work thru everything. Use the Power, Love, Sound mind (that you obviously have) to not let fear dominate.
Since I've aparently written a novel I'll close with this. I know that these things are easy to say, especially as I am not the one facing the battle. Lofty speaches from an outsider sometimes don't hit home so here is a scripture that has hit home in the last 2 years, and has helped me deal with the IBC situation.
Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." I had to realize and remind myself that the battle isn't mine, and I cannot fight. It is only when God fights on my behalf that I am victorious. I thank my wife for showing me as well as many others that verse!
I think we have to differentiate between a fear-bent "reaction" and the engaging in a crippling, debilitating fear. In our humanity, which incidentally, I don't believe we can ever fully escape this side of heaven, an initial reaction to a dangerous or painful circumstance may be one of fear - perhaps more so for some than others, but still, a "reaction" that includes fear. It is what we do with that that matters.
Jesus did not want to die on that cross. I don't believe he was experiencing a purely intellectual struggle within himself. That alone would not have spawned sweatdrops of blood. The Biblical description suggests there is a good chance that the humanity in him was pretty stressed out. He knew the excruciating pain of nails driven through his wrists and feet, the implication of suffocation, the absolutely unbearable weight of the sins of the world. And he didn't want to endure it. But he didn't just say calmly, "You know, Father, I think there could be another way. Could we investigate this path for a minute and see if we can come up with a compromise?" NO! He was in agony, crying out to God asking of there was any other way??!
But, what did he do? He expressed his pain, his agony, his desire to NOT do what God was calling him to, and then he DID IT. I love what Rachel W. wrote: "Being brave is not about never having fear; it's about admitting you have fear and then doing what you're afraid of anyway." Jesus was obedient. And in our fear, we need to be, too. In taking steps of obedience, I believe we choose to fight fear - we, in God's power, conquer the "human-reaction" spirit of fear that Satan tries to transform into an overwhelming, debilitating burden that would render us useless for the Kingdom.
God is not afraid of our honest emotions. And the evidence is showing you are choosing a life of obedience. Hang in there!
"In Jesus' Name we press on...tho the valley is deep, tho the mountain is steep." We are so proud of you...your strong faith will help you "press on". You're continually in our thoughts and prayers. Sandy & Denny
I think of fear as just an emotion that sweeps over us like joy when we see a sunset, or happiness when we hear our child giggle, or sadness when we tell a love one goodbye. It is an emotion we feel when we or one of our loved ones face danger. We can't help emotions from washing over us at times but it is what we do with our emotions that matter. Admitting our fears and then leaving them at the Fathers feet is the best we can do and often we have to do that day by day, even minute by minute! We also pray for guidance in what we should do on the practical side of things.
I have every confidence that your faith will override any moments of fear that Satan might try to sidestep you with. You and your family is an inspiration to me and know so many are keeping you all in their prayers.
K
another bret..
who the hell is Bret? and why did he steal my Bretism? is he a Bretist? Am i a Bretist? Are we all?
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