Let's say Mr. H. comes to seek your guidance and assistance. Perhaps you have a reputation for being a good listener. Perhaps you have given wise counsel in the past. Perhaps he knows you have been taking some of Dr. New’s counseling classes. For whatever reason, assume Mr. H. comes to you for help. After reading his case below, what do you tell him?Mr. H.’s wife has left him. And she has taken their 3 kids with her. She has moved to another town, has been living with and having affairs with a series of other men. She has rejected any and all offers to reconcile with her husband. Mr. H. has repeatedly tried to get her to return home. He has even helped her out financially when she needed it. She takes his money, but refuses to reconcile. In fact, she rather openly mocks and laughs as Mr. H. And yet he continues to dream of getting his wife back. He can’t seem to accept what has happened to his marriage.
What do you tell Mr. H.?
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12 comments:
I thought everything we talk about is confidential?
Soon you will be hollering "MAYDAY! MAYDAY!"
You're students better come up with something to say because this happens at church all the time!
Seriously. I last dealt with it about two months ago. Exact situation.
Follow the stages of grief and argue the unhealthy lines of thought so that he will start arguing the healthy lines. This will move him to the next stage. Tell him he needs to give her more money and then problem solve the budget deficit reality. This will move him to anger. :)
Poor Mr. H. The man in some serious denial. You can't blame him for wanting to keep his wife and family together. But sadly enough i think you have to in the most loving way possible bring it to the man's attention that he will have to let go. I don't think it'd be very heathy for him to hang on to something that looks as if it was hopeless. So if your asking me specifically what i'd tell him. I'd probably send him to you Dr. New because well your a professional. However, if it were up to me. I'd work really hard with him on trying to let go of the past and look bright in the future. I guess thats kinda lame, but well maybe you get my direction.....
Maybe he should hold on? Hosea did. I would give him the opportunity to make the decision for himself. -Eric
I agree, Eric - I'm all for people making their own decisions. But how do you counsel him as he tries to make his decision? And how long do you think he should "hold on?"
Interesting that you bring up Hosea......
This guy is trying to hold on to a thread that seems to hold his entire life,(wife and kids, money) and I don't know that I could guide him in a certain direction...I think that I would focus on his pain. He needs to work through that. He can't make a rational decision without that. I think this will take time. This would be a longer process in my opinion. -Eric
The first 'go to' I thought of was Hosea. He demonstrates that love never fails. No matter how much Gomer hurt Hosea he still loved her and welcomed her home. Mr. H. doesn't have to stop loving Mrs. H. even if she has stopped loving him. He does need to realize however that things will never be the same again. His whole world has turned upside down. Life as he new it doesn't exist. How to counsel him? Tell him the importance of love but make sure he realizes that sometimes love...lets go. Whatever approach Mr. H. decides to take with his wife let it first be bathed in prayer.
Divorce and fight to get the kids, but cut her off personally.
A couple of thoughts:
1) The money issue might be a red herring: she has the kids and he's got a moral, if not legal, responsibility to provide for them (even if Mom has gone off the deep end).
2) Why does Mr. H. say he's seeking counsel? Is it to get help in getting his wife back? Strategies for opening the lines of communication? Maybe he's content to wait for his wife but doesn't know how to cope with his children being gone. First step is to discover what he is a customer for.
My first thought is the health of the kids. I would tell him to first do whatever he thinks is the best for the kids.
As an side, I dealt with an ex-wife who went over the edge and I not only refused to allow her to take our child, but I also filed and received full custody. So I guess that piece of advice above is biased.
As far as Mr. H's own health - emotional, physical and spiritual, I would encourage him to pray that God would change his wife's heart and while He is awaiting God's answer, live completely in reality - the way things are currently and realize that he has to move on with his own life for his and his kids' well-being. If God opens his wife's eyes, then he can react to that. But to sit around and live in "wishful thinking" land will only lead to more futile thinking and deeper depression.
I am posting anonymously to protect my child.
I think that Mr. H is in denial, but like Eric said I think that it is his own choice to hold on and hope that his wife would soon come home, but at the same time I would tell him to be careful when sending her money. If he continues to send her money all the time then he is just being an aid in her choices, and he obviously does not agree with the choices she is making.
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