Tired

Back during my Labor Day Q & A, Stephen asked what has changed the most as a result of my cancer and wondered what we might do better to minister to other families in similar situations.

(Stephen’s profile says he is a student in Afghanistan. I still can’t believe people actually READ my blog, let alone people in on the other side of the world. Whoa.)

This may not be the most comprehensive answer…. and it may seem trivial, actually… but doggone it – I’m tired. I’m weary, worn-out, fatigued, drained, and run-down. I’m pooped. (Brett, that last one was for you – and anyone else that giggles at the “p” word.)

This exhaustion comes in 2 main forms. First, there is just the sheer physical tiredness. I thought I was prepared for being a little worn down. And most days aren’t too troublesome. But after each round of chemotherapy, there are about 3-4 days of feeling an extreme tiredness. “Sleepy” isn’t the right word, though I do sleep a lot. This is body-dropping exhaustion. For example, I was discharged from the hospital Friday afternoon. I came home and slept from 4:00-6:00, was up for a couple of hours and them slept 12 hours straight from 8:00-8:00. After a couple hours, I took another 2 hour nap that morning, a nap that afternoon, and then went to bed at 9:00 that night.

It is now Sunday evening and I’m starting to feel better, but I’m beginning to hate the weariness. I told my son I couldn’t go to his first soccer game on Saturday morning and felt a little bit like a loser for doing so. I’m not doing much to help around the house and I didn’t go to church this morning – all because, well, I’m tired. Combine all that with a decrease in overall stamina for physical activities, and I start to feel like a weak, incompetent person. That’s been a struggle.

This leads nicely (if I do say so myself) to the second kind of tiredness. Looking ahead makes me emotionally drained. I have found this ironic, because I am actually half way done right now. This should be cause for celebration. I’m half done! But there’s been no streamers, no confetti, no balloons, and no cake – nor should there be. And I can’t keep myself from thinking I’m only half-way done. The road still looks long to me, and it makes me tired. I’m tired of hospital food. I’m tired of the hair loss. I’m tired of injections in my belly and spinal taps in my back. I’m tired of playing the role of sick person in my family. I’m tired of the weird routine I’ve established for my life and I’m tired of this ridiculous cancer.

Wow, I just reread my words and they sound a little heavy. I hope I don’t come across as an emotional wreck. I’d go back and delete half that stuff, but then I’d have to work at something else to write. And as I’ve explained, I’m too tired for that. Stephen asked what has changed the most – and it is the weariness.

He also asked about ministering to other families. I’m going to save that for another post. I have much to share about God’s blessings and provisions and how He has used others to minister to us.

For now, I’d like to make yet another request of ya’ll. I have a handful of verses that have been especially meaningful to me as they relate to tiredness/strength, etc. But I’d like to know from you…. what Scripture helps you the most when you are tired and you have a long road yet ahead?