As a professor and a blogger, it is inevitable that my own words sometimes come back to haunt me. In what I consider to be the first post related to my cancer, I made some rather bold statements. And more than a few folks have reminded me of them. Consider these words…“My life will not revolve around or focus on my ailment.”
“You won’t read much about my condition here in upcoming days and months.”
“Whatever it is – even if it is really bad – it isn’t significant enough to take center stage in my world.”
Oh brother. Reading them now makes me wonder what world I was living in. Cancer has a way of taking over your life – at least temporarily. Nearly everything I do revolves around it. It is THE reference point for my life’s activities and decisions. Am I well enough to do this activity? Do I have enough energy? Am I going to be in the hospital? Will my immune system withstand it? Will I be at the clinic or doctor’s office? The list of questions goes on.
My life is in one big time out. And my cancer is more than taking center stage. It is the only show in town for me.
But the main point of that first post still stands. Now consider these words…
“No matter what the condition is, I will NOT let it define me.”
“It will not become a part of my identity.”
I am still committed to these words, though sometimes this is easier said than done. But this is why I don’t wear the ridiculous hospital gowns. They identify me as a sick person. This is why I don’t participate in online support groups or discussion boards for people with cancer. As helpful and worthwhile as they may be, I’m resisting being identified as a cancer patient. This is why I don’t like having a bald head. I’m not at all vain about my appearance, but I feel like I might as well be wearing a neon sign that announces “CANCER PATIENT” up there.
Several items in my life have already had their identity stolen. I have some shirts that I now call my “cancer shirts.” Though they are perfectly normal and nice looking shirts, we bought them just for me to wear at the hospital and I can’t even imagine wearing them elsewhere. They are identified with my cancer. I also bought some crocs to wear while at the hospital – but they are quickly becoming my “cancer crocs.” As comfortable as they are, I may have to burn them once my treatment is over. Their identity has been taken over.
But I refuse to let cancer steal my identity. It will not and cannot define who I am.
So while I persevere and wait for the day when cancer will not be center stage, I remind myself of these fundamental truths about my identity…
I am a child (John 1:12) and a friend (John 15:15) of the King.
I am also His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10).
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4 comments:
Shoot, I was going to get you one of these and let you pick your own color. After reading your post I guess you won't be interested:
http://www.headcovers.com/572/three-seam-turbans/
Thanks for thinking of me Jenni!
Here's the one I'd like the most.
http://www.headcovers.com/10338/mens-elf-night-cap-in-solids-and-plaids/
Hey Aaron - About those Crocs - I'd burn them regardless - just cause they're ugly. :)
And, around here bald heads are the in thing - for guys anyway. Just think of it as your "Dead Sexy He-Man" flag.
Prayin for you.
Cheryl Tenbrook
I'll give Cheryl a "Good Loud Amen" on that bit about the crocs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As for the bald head thing, well, I guess they are "in" but think of it as a Big Tough Biker look. Something that a 380 pound biker named Skinny would sport. Hay side thought...if you used the biker image then you could get a Harley and then it would be almost manditory to have a cool tat!!!!
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