Moving On

But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on….

I openly acknowledge that I am taking these verses (Phil. 3:13-14) out of context. They are about salvation and spiritual maturation. But I have taken these words and made them my own as I recover from 6 months of cancer and chemo.

I’m moving on.

Don’t get me wrong – I still have a lot going on related to my cancer. I have weekly visits to do labwork. I’ll be seeing my doctor every two months for thorough checkups. I’ll be getting PET scans and CT scans done frequently. I am still relatively weak and I am in the long process of rebuilding my strength and stamina at the fitness center. My hair is just now coming back in (it looks fuzzy and gray right now). And on top of all that, I am participating in the grand waiting game. My doctor says that if my lymphoma is going to come back, it is likely going to come back in the first year, with a smaller chance in the second year. After two years, I can be pretty confident it’s gone for good. Although two years is not long for most cancer patients, it seems long to me.

But I’m moving on. These issues are no longer central issues of my life – they are peripheral issues. I refuse to let that two year waiting period hang over my head – causing me undue worry and stress. I’m moving on. Cancer and chemo were so much the focus of my existence for 6 months that I am glad to push them to the side now. They no longer get to define who I am. I’ve written about this “identity” conflict several times now and it’s the reason I took a break from blogging, to tell you the truth. I was tired of being the cancer-blogger guy. I’m moving on. If the cancer returns, it returns. But in the meantime, I’ll be living my life as if it’s gone.

So…. While this post has been about me and my cancer, future posts will likely be about other things, if I remember how to write about them. Stay tuned if you are still interested.

Happy New Year!

I've been home for nearly a week and I haven't checked my blog, email, or facebook in during that whole time. I think it's because I feel like I've closed a chapter in my life and I'm ready to move on. I haven't closed the overall story of my cancer, mind you. I still have a long way to go. I will be seeing the doctor and getting scans about every 2 to 3 months. And my body will need some time to recouperate. (Right now, I experience muscle fatigue and shortness of breath just walking up one flight of stairs.) I may need a transfusion or two and my hickman catheter still needs to come out. But I have definitely closed this chapter of daily doctor's visits and/or hospitalizations and daily struggles to just to survive the cancer and chemotherapy.

Honestly, I feel a little lost as I close this chapter of my life. My schedule of classes at CBC doesn't start for another couple of weeks and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I've invested so much energy into my treatment the past 6 months. Despite my efforts (and blog posts like this one), I let my cancer define too much of who I was and now I'm having to redefine myself a bit.

I will be taking a break from blogging for a while - at least until February I think. When I return to blogging, I'm not sure how much will be related to my cancer/treatment/recovery - probably very little. But in this one last post, I must say thank you to all who have read and left encouraging comments. Plenty of others read my blog to stay updated, some of whom I know and others I don't. Many of you prayed for me. A simple thank you on a blog seems woefully inadequate. Please know that I appreciate all of you - much more than I know how to communicate here. At this point, my prognosis looks good. But should I have the unfortunate experience of my cancer returning, I'll need all of you even more.

I remain convinced more than ever that God is good. May you all experience His goodness and have a wonderful 2009!