In less than an hour, I’ll be heading to the doctor. Without sharing all my symptoms, which would be unnecessary and embarrassing, I ended up yesterday seeing my doctor for some gastrointestinal issues. He performed an awkward procedure (one that my friend Scott says is “not cool”) and then sent me to the hospital for a CT scan of my abdomen.I could have one of several conditions – inflammatory bowel disease, Chron’s disease, diverticulitis, or even colon polyps or colon cancer.
I’ll know more in less than an hour.
My wife asked my yesterday if I was nervous about getting the results. I told her no and it was an honest answer, I think.
There are two thoughts that have kept me grounded yesterday and today. These aren’t fleeting thoughts – I consistently have these thoughts whenever I face potentially bad news. As it relates to my situation today, I believe… (1) Whatever the condition is, even if it turns out to be worse than I suspect, I have no reason to think I’m entitled to anything better. It’s not like I should be exempt from bad things. Nothing I’ve done in life gives me a pass from sad or painful conditions. In fact, if anything I deserve far worse than I get. (2) Whatever the condition is, there are plenty of others who have persevered in the face of situations monumentally worse than mine.
I suppose I should have a more “spiritual” response. Maybe I should have some important Scripture passage that I’ve memorized and repeat over and over to give me some peace. Perhaps I should be able to say I’ve heard God’s still, small voice and therefore I have no reason to worry. But I don’t and I haven’t.
So here I am – getting news in about 30 minutes. Why am I blogging right now – at this moment? I suppose I just wanted to verbalize in a more permanent way some of the thoughts I’ve been having. Maybe I’ll need to come back and revisit my own words to keep my head on straight. Maybe they will be an anchor for me in upcoming days.
Here’s one more thing I have already decided. No matter what the condition is, I will NOT let it define me. I will not be known as a diverticulitis-guy. I refuse to be known as that professor with colon cancer. I will not be thought of as the Sunday School teacher who is always dealing with his polyps. My life will not revolve around or focus on my ailment. It will not become a part of my identity. I have a family that needs me too much to let it interfere. I have too much to invest in my students to let it distract me. I have too many friends that enrich my life to let it become a stumbling block. I’ll post an update this afternoon, but you won’t read much about my condition here in upcoming days and months. Nor will I talk about it too much in my conversations. Whatever it is – even if it is really bad – it isn’t significant enough to take center stage in my world.
I’m off now. I think maybe I’ll come back and read this post later and wonder why I was being so overly dramatic. In fact, I would go back and edit some of the drama out of my words, but I don’t have time. They’ll have to stand for now.
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9 comments:
Yeah, "not cool" was my understatement of the year.
Everything is going to be fine, no matter what the results are my friend. I see nothing wrong with verbalizing the thoughts running through your head on this blog. As you said, whatever the case may be... it can't define you. If you blog about your other "every day" thoughts... why should this be any different?
Now... go drink your "magic juice" old man! ;) Everything is gonna be aaaaaight!
Quick update – my primary physician took a look at the CT scan from yesterday and had some unpleasant news. Apparently, the scan showed a 3-4 centimeter villous adenoma on my cecum. Translation: I may a golf ball sized growth in my guts.
The doctor sent me to a GI specialist today for a consult. He said given my age, he would be a little surprised if that’s what it really turned out to be. It still could, though, and could even be cancerous. But he was a little skeptical of the CT scan results.
So I get to go in tomorrow for a colonoscopy. Joy. We will hopefully know more then or shortly thereafter.
You know, colonoscopies are just wrong. If it weren’t for my wife and kids, I’d empty out my bank account and live an isolated life from doctors in the mountains of Montana like Ted Kaczynski – only without the bombs.
The doctor said that most people don’t remember too much of their colonoscopies because of the sedatives that are given. That’s the only good news of the day. I’m thinking of taking a handful of Benadryls before I go, just to be sure I’m as incoherent as possible.
So, I’m drinking some sort of evil concoction every 10 minutes tonight and spending my time very, very close to the bathroom. During one of my visits, I recalled a post from Craig Smith on March 14, 2007. I can't get the link to work, so you'll just have to go to his site and find it. It is still funny over a year later.
Aaron,
"not cool" doesn't even begin to describe that horid Torture, so I agree that it is the understatement of the year!!!!!!! I had one a few years ago, and ended up with some sort of Pollip/hemorid thingy. I can understand the feelings. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
On a lighter note... When I had my colonoscopy they started to give me the Happy Juice and thought I was out. I was not, but they wheeled me into the dungeon anyways. As I was laying there on the bed with my backside exposed I heard the Dr. say, "ok bring them in." Naturally being curious, and not quite out of it, I looked up and behind me just in time to see a door open and about 12 Dr wannabees, most of them female, and my age entering the room. Thankfully at that time they gave me more happy juice and I don't remember anything after that. It was too late for the embarassment to be avoided but good none the less!
Again you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Andy Titus
We're thinking about you and praying for you!
My favorite verse in times like these is Isaiah 43:2. It reminds us how water-proof and fire-proof we are as children of God. Although I sometimes wonder why God couldn't have created a better tasting version of that colonoscopy drink!! :)
Genesis 27:11 comforts me in troubled times.
I am sure it will speak to you, too.
Nice verse, Craig. :)
Aaron, I'm praying for you.
Another update here. "Update" maybe be downplaying my situation. I'm actually burying the headline here.
I do in fact have a large tumor in my upper colon. The doctor did several biopsies of the tumor and will know more details in the next day or two. But the doctor said that all indications so far lead him to believe that the tumor is indeed cancerous.
So.
I likely have colon cancer.
But I'm OK. Seriously. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Surgery will be in the near future. Then perhaps radiation and/or chemo. But whatever happens, I really am going to be fine.
Right now, I need to rest. I'm still a little loopy from the drugs I got this morning.
We love you, Aaron, and we are in constant prayer for you and your family.
Dr. New,
I am praying for you and I have faith that all will be well.
-Zebulous
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